Recently something big happened for me and it showed me some scary things about me, the biggest thing being what I focus on. I’ve always given the impression of a good christian girl. And I know it. I have groomed that image since I was about 14 and realized I had such an image. However, even good girls have their issues. However, if we are portraying an image and something happens in our lives that would break that image, at least in our minds, then we try our dang hardest to not show it. Period. Problems are hidden, not dealt with. But that doesn’t mean the problems go away. It just means they lay dormant, waiting for the moment to strike and ruin your life.
My biggest problem is fear. I am a girl who is terrified of things. I worry, I stress about every significant and insignificant thing that comes my way (it drives my boyfriend nuts ;) ). Actually, I think I do it more over insignificant things then significant ones. But the fear of failing, of making the wrong choice, of messing up, of dropping my image in people’s eyes, that drives me many times. Usually it drives me to not speak to someone when I should, or not to do something God is telling me to do. Or just hid in my room when I should be out doing things, not only for God, but with people. And that fear almost kept me from doing something that I hope will turn out amazing.
You might not know this, but my boyfriend and I live in completely different states. Actually, we are not only in different states, but in different time zones, with like 3 hours difference. It stinks. And it also makes it really hard to meet. As of this writing, we have not had a in person meeting yet. However, that is going to change soon. My father and I have made plans to go meet him. Yet this almost didn’t happen for one reason. I was afraid.
My good father sat me down and was honest with me, saying that this is a big expense blah blah, this might not move things forward, we are just going to scope things out etc. All this I know.
(Okay, I feel like I need some background here. There are good reasons why my guy and I shouldn’t work out. The distance is one. He has major medical issues and is currently not working (though he hates not working). I’m 10 years younger then him. etc)
So I know that things might and probably won’t end up like in the romance movies (those things are such dreams, no?). That is something I thought I had dealt with. But when it came to spending a huge amount of money and energy on this and getting told rather depressing things, all the fears I thought I had dealt with months ago resurfaced. All the fears about being alone again and wasting people’s time and effort rose to the top and filled my view port on life. Suddenly life went from looking hopeful and good to looking very dark and very wrong and I felt like I had royally messed up. I mean, honestly, why didn’t I just do it like other people who find a guy who has a job or lives within a reasonable driving range? Why did I find one who is on the other side of the country and has no job or current prospects?
See, the problem is that all my concerns and such are valid (except maybe for that last question). They are good reasons to look closely at this relationship and make sure it’s going the right way. But things start going wrong when I look at the problems and go “There is nothing I can do to solve these HUGE problems. I might as well give up, since the problem is bigger then me.” That is not the answer. The answer to any problem is the same answer Daniel found when he was in the lion’s den. Look at GOD! Don’t look at the problems, look at the one who is bigger then ANY problem in the world. Sure, I don’t understand how God will get us through these problems. But I have to have faith that God will make a way through the problems (since He doesn’t usually take us around them, but through them so we come out stronger and more trusting) or He will provide the strength to step away and pick up the pieces and start over.
The Lord Jehovah is an amazing God. Lord of the Universe, Almighty One, Prince Of Peace, Lord of Hosts, Majesty. There is nothing that can compare with Him. Not even 2000 miles distance. Not even a major health problem. Nothing. And He is so big, He will always be there to hold me and guide me and strengthen me and you.
So who are you looking at? Are you looking at the problems that look so big? Or are you looking at the God who is so big, He holds the world in his palm? What is there to worry about?